Spoiler Alert: Your Favorite Show Sucks
I watched the season 6 premiere of True Blood so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.
WOW oh wow where to start… reincarnated Bill is on a war path. Sookie, Eric and the gang get away but just barely and see Bill shoot off into the sky. Whaat? Pam and Eric’s sister-lover are arguing in the car so he pulls over near a darkened bridge. Meanwhile, Sam, the other shifter lady and her daughter are running away from something but the lady is dying so she tells Sam to save her daughter, aww! I can’t remember what happened to them and don’t care enough to google it. MOVING ON! More arguing on the bridge, they think Bill is reincarnated as Lilleth or something and Jessica is suuuper upset about it. Pam refers to Bill as “Billeth” henceforth referred to as such. Eric’s sister-lover glamours Jason to tell her what he knows about Warlo (the vampire that killed his and Sookie’s parents) because he’s also mentioned in the vamp bible because he’s Lilleth’s progeny duh. Suddenly, Billeth summons Jessica and Eric tried to hold her back so she starts vomiting blood (very original). Sookie says she’ll take Jess, who at this point appears to be leaking, to see Billeth. Jason ran away after he was “brain raped” (his words) by the sister lover and he says Sookie is as dead to him as they are. Is it just me or is Jason a little cray cray? First he hates vampires then he’s addicted to their blood then he goes to vampire hating church then he hooks up with Jessica and now he hates them again? I don’t know, Jason, how are we supposed to keep up with you?! Cut to a bunch of werewolves feasting on a dead human. Apparently Arms is the new pack master and he looks a little menacing although the details of how this happened are fuzzy to me. I guess they’re high on vamp blood. Also, why do all the lady werewolves have long flowing hair that perfectly cover their nipples? The red head is wearing a tank top that is roughly the same shade as her hair. Andy Belflour has a baby? What has happened? Why can’t I remember what happened in the last season?? Oh nevermind it was the fairy’s creepy fast growing spawn, got it. So now, the Belflours have 3 adults and 4 children living in the same home. Just to keep count 1 of those babies might be a demon and another might be a fairy. Got it. Sam and the little werechild get to his bar where Lafayette is looking fabulous and holding a rifle, naturally. Ohhhh I think the dead shifter lady died because she shifted into a human one too many times–they flashed back to her shifting into that preacher turned gay vampire guy… that’s how Sam’s brother died too, remember? Although he was also beat to shit so that may have had something to do with his death. Oh my god!! Jason just got into a car with some seedy looking character. Did he learn nothing in elementary school? Don’t get into a car with a stranger! Oh wait, they don’t seem to give a shit about personal safety in this show. Case in point: Sookie and Jess arrive at Billeth’s house armed with only a broken stick against the most powerful vampire on earth right now, smart. Eric comes out of nowhere and attacks Billeth who easily overpowers him BUT Sookie stakes Bill right in the heart. And he survives! Dun dun dun… he “just wants to talk” sure Bill, thanks for the reassurance. Jessica sides with Billeth and tells everyone to leave. Next! 3 people I don’t recognize (except for the one I saw in the beginning of this episode) are talking in what looks like a high school science lab. It’s really boring so I’ll spare you the details… something about… no screw it I don’t care I’m gonna go get some apple juice, Simply Apple to be specific. Boyfriend leaves his windows and balcony door open most of the time and so far tonight I’ve seen a spider, a few gnats, a wasp, and a couple moths… it’s very distracting. Back to the stoner werewolves, blood stoners that is. Arms and some super hot naked chick are making out in the woods and then his girlfriend walks up and instead of getting mad, she joins and says “I’m your number one bitch, you hear me?” Seems reasonable. Sookie is the single most insufferable person currently on tv and in real life and I realize the Kardashians and Bill O’Reilly are in the running but my god I can’t stand her. OMG there wasn’t just one fairy baby! There were 4! And now they’re suddenly toddlers… wtf?? And now poor Billeth doesn’t understand why all these strange things are happening to him. Boo fucking hoo.
So to sum up, Bill is fucked two ways from Tuesday, Sookie is a grotsky little beotch, Alcide is packmaster and involved in a threesome, Eric is mean to Pam Pam is mean to Tara, Andy Belflour is the proud (terrified) parent of a handful of rapidly growing fairies, Jason was kidnapped by a ghost who turned out to be Warlo the vampire he was after all along!, and Sam still owns his bar, although that business can’t possibly be profitable. The best part of this show is the intro music.